Advice for a Young Planet, Longing for a Moon

1. Fashion a moon easily at home using scraps.

Put those old proto-planetary odds and ends surrounding you to good use by coaxing them gently into a roundish shape, using steady application of gravity. This DIY approach may result in rings, a coveted sign of an authentic artisan product.

2. Capture a beautiful wandering body.

This method requires a deft touch. Once you have identified a suitable rock, tug subtlety on the heart of the moon-to-be. Be sure to take into account that the moon will also tug on yours. Steady in your orbit. Calculate your moves carefully. It may take several passes and many minor course adjustments before the moon is finally yours.

3. Trend watch: Probiotics. 

Certain atmospheric configurations promote the development of biological surface encrustations. This may sound alarming, but most biomass is harmless or even helpful! By exercising proper seasonal tilt and geological self-control, you can encourage development of beneficial populations that will provide you with many tiny, intricate satellites.

4. Embrace self-destruction. 

You’ve fallen for this new moon, big and bright and impossible to contain. Or it’s falling to you, or you’re the moon, or you’re both falling, and you’re both moons, and there’s no stopping, no thinking, no warding off what comes next. It’s a total rush. It will end in flames.

After you’ve totally destroyed each other, the warped and charred shadows of your former selves may remain strangely close. You’ll dance in perfect lock-step, reflecting sunlight out of each other’s scars forever. Assuming you survive, that is.

5. Consider doing without. 

We have only a few short billion years to orbit our star before it consumes us, explodes, goes cold. Moons! Who needs them, when the sun is so wonderful? They can throw you off your ecliptic, swing you into a spiral, leave you idling in an asteroid belt somewhere dark and alone. Learn to love your moonless nights instead of longing for that chunk of vapor and dust. Darker skies have deeper stars.

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